Woman Centric Life

The greatest universally understood goal in trying to achieve conception when consciously baby planning is to relax and eliminate stress. So silly because the conscious planning in itself is anxiety fructifying. That said I believe that I have been residing in a pretty awesome place since shortly after my last blog entry. The entry itself brought support via social media that was quite sweet and appreciated. Two women in particular that I hardly knew reached out and resulted in my inspiration to start a private lesbian baby planning support group on Facebook! The three of us planning to carry, along with our wives can now swap stories, share blogs, books, and offer inspiration and support. It has been a really cool thing thus far, and I doubt I would have gotten the idea if I hadn't been faced with the news of the dreaded high FSH levels. Its refreshing to find other couples with similar goals and lifestyles, also lesbians, to share in the journey of becoming parents, the not so old fashioned and sometimes incredibly overwhelming and confusing way. Then there are my precious jewels, the ladies with which we have developed close relationships with over the last few years, coming together for an uplifting impromptu dinner party last week. It was that night that I felt my anxiety truly begin to melt away. There is such great power in the support you gain from the people that know you and love you best, and unconditionally. It is no secret that we lead a female centric life, so it is actually no surprise to me that this is the place my soul has dug it's heels into, in preparation for our pregnancy attempts. I revel in my relationship with my amazing partner, in our cuddly monkeys and in the joy that these kick ass women bring to our lives. I am doing yoga, getting acupuncture treatments, taking herbs, and treating my body well. All of the above turns out to be my recipe for stress relief. I am finding myself observing throughout the days leading up to our first attempt, the peacefulness and stillness in my heart. It's all good.

Fertility

We had our "plan of care" visit with the new OBGYN on Friday. I was expecting her to go over all of the blood work and proclaim that my health and fertility hath no bounds and that we were good to go for an IUI. Instead, she told me that my FSH (Follicular stimulating hormone) levels tested "alarmingly high" which is "indicative" of poor ovarian reserve. This could be a challenge in trying to conceive, and could mean higher risk of miscarriage. She gave us a rundown of options, from giving us a maximum of three cycles without intervention, three IUI cycles with Clomid, or heading straight to a reproductive endocrinologist for stronger fertility drugs or IVF. In a span of 10 minutes or less we discussed multiple birth risks, prices, the question of early menopause running in my family, etc. I sat there smiling and nodding, feeling composed, almost as if I was expecting this news, showing no indication that I would clam up 15 minutes later in the parking lot and drive home stone faced, feeling hopeless and negative. I tried to cry, but the tears were forced. It was fight or flight to me at that moment and I didn't know which option to choose. I went from feeling like a virile young and strong 33 year old woman to a prematurely aging case, broken, eggs shriveling by the minute. Since then I have gotten a second opinion from my acupuncturist. Her opinion is that I will be able to treat my body with herbs and acupuncture to lower the FSH level. I am already responding to the treatments that we have been doing over my last cycle, my 12 day ultrasound did show a follicle and I am ovulating, so those are all good signs. We decided to go ahead with the IUI next month without drug intervention and see what happens. It is ironic. We went into the search for an OB that would perform IUI, rather than head straight to a fertility clinic (the only direction we were pointed by three separate OBGYN's in the last two years) with the opinion that I should not have to be treated as a fertility challenge since I had no reason to believe I would have problems getting pregnant, only to be faced with this news by our new favorite OB. I am working through the emotions that something like this packs on, the internal issues it brings up. It is one moment at a time. Meditation and yoga are to be my right and left hand ladies over the next month. Wish us luck!

Today

Today is about being grateful. It is to wake up in a cozy bed while its 50 something degrees outside. It is to snuggle in bed until noon with my person, my fluffy orange cat, my cocker spaniel and my chihuahua. It is about a healthy breakfast and green tea. It is the swoosh of the dishwasher and the smell of sawdust and the sound of my wife working in the garage.  It is the napping cat and side by side dog tails wagging. It is tending to my flower beds and going to buy lumber together. It is the new herb shelf that my honey built in the kitchen window. It is staining a coffee table. It is purging old stuff and finding a treasure in the form of an old box spring mattress, to be repurposed into an outdoor trellis. It is leftover dinner from last night's first fall feast with friends. It is open windows and the buzz of our neighbors working in their yards. It is a hot bath, feet up, sweet honey and fuzzy pets.

Project Preparation

"What are you looking forward to these days?" asks a favorite client yesterday. I answer with a list of upcoming house projects and then change the subject to what he is looking forward to. My coworkers are all aware of the "thing" that is actually being discussed and planned more than any kitchen or house project. Even though this client is someone that I would never hesitate to share our newest endeavor with I suppose there is a part of me that is trying to preserve some sense of it not becoming the all consuming proverbial baby that things like making a baby just naturally become. So. There. We are planning for baby. We are at the point in our progression toward a family where it is actually kind of fun. There have been moments that have made our quest seem almost too daunting to attempt. There is the decision to become pregnant or adopt. There is the donor question. This can take a while, for us almost two years, to decide on a known or unknown donor, and with that decision comes all of the legal and situational considerations of that decision. Once that decision is made, there are cost considerations and the process just avalanches itself into a myriad of  hypothetical guessing games. Oh, how riveting. But I digress. Now it is kind of fun. We love a project, and the one at hand is Project Preparation: The Body Episode. Doc gave me suggestions on how to tinker with my diet to make things more conception friendly, things like reducing caffeine intake and exercising regularly. We have taken things to the next level and are following a somewhat more stringent regimen. I have almost given up coffee and chocolate and cheese(whhaaa?) all together. This is no small feat for me.  I have reduced my alcohol intake dramatically. Before, we could kill a bottle of red several nights out of the week. Now, just a little red wine with dinner feels luxurious. I smell it more than I drink it, and that not only pacifies, but leaves more (sober) energy for fun projects around the house. Knock down a wall anyone? Tear up some floors? I'm down! I am taking the fancy expensive whole foods prenatals along with some Chinese herbs, and eating and preparing foods that are better for my digestion, and paying close attention to the quality of food that I eat. Another fun thing is the new language we are learning. Our morning conversations now include statements like "What is your basal body this morning, honey?" "No LH surge today! I am guessing I will ovulate on Saturday." And then there is the adorable question that Kayla has been asking me for at least a year, "When does our baby get here?" Hopefully not much longer.

Charade

Last night was the first Presidential Debate. I am only taking a break from my pursuit of facts, trying to piece together all of the shit that I don't understand. At some point I will probably have something meaningful to say. But my first reactions are always from the gut so here is this. This morning I'm feeling tired and frustrated. Last night I went to bed feeling frustrated, angry and sick, followed by anxiety riddled dreams all through the night. Backing up to the debates, I was surprised by how well Romney was able to charm, a little disturbed by how confidently his words rolled off the tongue, especially disturbed by how far he leaned in to the middle,catering to this particular stand off with our President. I walked out of the theater (we watched it at the Drafthouse) feeling deflated. The jury says that Romney wins the debate, and I know that for all that its worth, it was his ability to come across to his audience in the right way, saying what people wanted to hear, that "won" it. I felt irritated that Obama didn't bring it, even though what he brought was the details behind every point that he was trying to make. Romney wins for charm. Obama looks like he is fed up, his face reflecting what I am feeling at any given moment throughout the debate. I am surprised at some of the things that Romney said. The speech about freedom of religion in this country and that we are all children of the same god made me pssht out loud in my seat. Equal opportunities for all families? I'm sorry dudes but he doesn't really mean that. My family is at the moment, unequal. If every other policy he wanted to implement was something that I agreed with, unless he is on board with allowing this progression toward equal rights to take place, I will vote for the other guy. Let us be clear that there is little to nothing about Romney that I am on board with anyway; it is just that for MY particular "middle income" family, having the security of marriage protection would strengthen us a GREAT deal financially. The gay issue is only the big issue for me. I am also fond of "Obamacare, and overall appreciative of the measured intellectual approach that Obama takes to govern our country. It isn't surprising to me that he would look and act the way he did last night. I'm just a girl sitting here in Texas thinking this whole charade is just a bunch of monkey business. And I can't help but watch.

Tearing Down the House

A very nice man who is an architect and happens to be a client of mine offered to us a very unique and amazing post wedding gift. He came to look at our house and gave us any advice we wanted or needed on ways to change things or projects that we could take on ourselves or with very little hired help. What a gift it was! He was here a couple of weeks ago, spent two hours with me, drawing plans and coming up with new ideas on how to fix some problem areas in our kitchen, bathrooms and master bedroom. We went over our vast and ambitious kitchen remodel idea and ultimately decided that the best bet for us at this point would be to do what we originally said we would do with our tiny kitchen. This entails taking a cabinet out and doing simple cosmetic updates with backsplash,countertops,appliances, flooring etc. His other suggestions included building a structure outside of our kitchen window to grow things on, giving us a privacy wall and something pretty and handmade to look at. This will also make the space feel more open, as we would remove the window treatment, not to mention help with energy costs. Instead of a window shade we will put in custom made shelves for herbs and flowers. After he left I was so inspired I couldn't wait to share the ideas with Kayla, and when I did we decided to get started right away. First things first. Take down the useless cabinet. This was a fun project because we have both always wanted to demo something. It took us about 30 minutes to get the thing down, using a drill, our own weight, and taking turns beating it with a hammer.(we should invest in a sledgehammer). Big fun! I knew from the moment I laid eyes on this kitchen that this cabinet needed to go, but I am still impressed at how much more open the space looks now that it is gone. We will add a light fixture to the ceiling and touch up the paint to complete this project. It should be finished soon! I can't wait to tear down something else!

Before from Dining Room

Before from inside Kitchen

Me with my little hammer

Joy!

After from Dining Room

After from inside Kitchen