Morning, garden.

The last week has been so full in that we began to take some tangible steps to fulfill our dream of family, yet the stress of the details are such that many nights are tearful and many days are so rigged with anxiety that the regular stuff seems to elude me. I got in my car to run errands the other day and realized only as I was backing out of my driveway that I had not put in my contacts. Thankfully I had packed my glasses, in the event that my eyes got too itchy from allergies and I would need to remove said contacts. Heh. But yeah, I should back up. We have been dreaming of starting a family, or better yet expanding from dog and cat children to actual human children, for years. Many factors make now seem like the appropriate time, the most pressing being my biological clock. This little detail is hard to ignore, and tends to put the pressure on the already difficult decisions that we are trying to make during this season of our marriage. I will say that with the tears, the anxiety, and mountains of challenge that we are treading each day, comes a sense of comfort knowing that my person is trucking along side of me. In one week we have experienced the gamut of emotion. We have even processed surprise guests like uncertainty and fear, doubts and challenges to our values that seemed to come out of left field. At the end of the day it is always the same question. Do we envision ourselves with a child, or with children? Are we willing to take this step believing in our abilities to parent a healthy, happy, thriving little person? The answer to those questions is yes. Many of the other answers still bounce around unanswered. I suppose there will be unknowns every step of the way. Historically, it is this precise sort of coasting on the tides of unanswered questions that make me the most uncomfortable. But for some reason I am handling it very well. Is it possible that I am shedding unhealthy processes and adopting a Zen like approach to problem solving? I think the main difference that I am noticing in myself now is my ability to stay present. There is a here and now and it is so delicious in its ripeness. Every morning I take a little stroll around the back yard to see how everyone is doing. Today I took photos of our green friends, and some of the things that Kayla has built or is building that make me happy and proud.

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Happy election season, everyone!  I have layers of emotions to pilfer through. There are four major competing emotions.  These four culprits are to blame for my lack of expression, pertaining to this blog specifically.  When so many areas of my mind are clogged up in competition for my attention, it is difficult for me to believe that I am capable of expressing anything that isn't regurgitated or lackluster, with all of the BS that is swarming our senses literally every second that we "plug in". 

Since this is supposed to be a blog about marriage, more specifically a blog about an unrecognized gay marriage, I feel obligated to keep up with the blog, even as all of the above culprits work against my creative juices during this particular election season. In an effort to produce something legible and mildly interesting, I began three separate drafts before heading to the shower, relinquishing myself to another barren blog day.  Finally, as I was on around stroke 90 of my 100 nightly hair-brushings I decided to kick the buckets of the last three drafts and try to express instead my main reasons for procrastination, give each culprit a name, and talk about why they haunt me. This is an exercise to open my mind and heart in hopes that something real and more meaningful can escape from the bars of my blocked intellect in future blog posts during this political season.

Anxiety/fear

 I fear a Republican president. Fiscally, I fear for the amount of lower and middle class Americans buying into a presidential candidate who does not have their best interest in mind. My opinion and belief is that while neither party is perfect and sound, the Democratic party represents my values and the values of "the people." I come from a family of doers, but we have had our struggles, and I have personally depended on pell grants and loans to aid in my education. As long as I can remember, I have identified with a "folksier" idealism.   This is the main reason why the Democratic platform speaks to me.  Secondly, I  hate that we are debating over civil rights for gay people and that we still face so many hurdles in order to gain the rights that my community so greatly deserves. I loathe the idea of taking major steps backward when we have taken great leaps toward equality in only the last couple of years.  Finally, I like affordable health care. My experience with it thus far has been pretty sweet. The refund check from my old insurance company, due to the affordable health care act was an added bonus.  I would prefer that not to go away. 

Hope/excitement

On the other hand, gay marriage is officially on the Democratic party platform. This is huge! This is wonderful! The feeling in my heart is like Christmas!  We are at the brink of real change. The idea that I could someday legally marry my wife in the state where we live fills me with so much hope and joy. The idea of future generations in our shoes, not having to experience the ugliness that surrounds this debate today is refreshing.  It is beautiful. I can taste it... we are so fucking close. 

Frustration

Demons come out in people in hot political climates. I hate the aggressive comments on Facebook, the outright bigotry, the disregard for others' feelings or personal plight. Self righteousness and arrogance trump reason, hard facts and manners. I am saddened that we seem to forget that we are all human. Most of us care deeply about our community, our country, and what our future, and the futures of our children will hold. We forget that there is room for all of us in this country, and we should be able to cooperate and work together to improve our own lives and those lives around us. There is certainly room for us to disagree, but there is no room in my heart, personally, for blatant disrespect.  Those of us whom are of legal age to vote are supposed to be grown ups, and I am afraid not everyone is acting the part. There seems to be more name calling, shit slinging and finger pointing than fact checking and researching, or even soul searching.  More so, I detest the ugliness that the demons bring out in people that I know or have known in the past. I like to practice keeping an open heart and mind, essentially believing that we are all inherently good and that things like hate, disrespect,and bigotry are somehow learned, or are stemmed from self consciousness or fear. Having such a deeply personal issue on the hot seat tests my compassion for people who believe themselves morally superior, especially when their example speaks quite the opposite.  I have to find a way to stand up for myself while keeping my personal peace intact.  It is uncomfortable at best, threatening at times. 

Romance

Kayla and I were set up on a semi blind date to watch the vice presidential debates four years ago. I was already impressed by her scorching good looks and her movie tastes listed in her Myspace profile, and as awkward as our first meeting was, her whip smart  commentary during the debate had me swooning. I was thrilled when she asked me to stay afterward for a beer, and from there we proceeded our rather slow courtship that resulted in the rockstar relationship that we have today. We honeymooned through the election season and baked an apple pie for America the night before the election, when we decided that we would be in a relationship, officially, and discussed in detail what that decision meant to each of us.  So when Obama was elected, we were fresh in love, full of hope for ourselves and our relationship, and full of a bursting hope for our country, that we agreed so passionately was not in the best hands with former President Bush. We cried and held hands as we watched him give his acceptance speech. It was so romantic and wonderful. People were dancing in the streets from west campus to downtown east Austin. I felt patriotic for the first time since I was a little girl, and I imagine those dancers in the street were feeling something similar.  So, as we begin to feel the first winds of fall blow into town, and feel the buzz of energy of election season spring into life, I can't help but have flashbacks of the woman I met four years ago, the sexy little beast who hates onions as much as I do and loves Pedro Almodovar, almost certainly more than I do.  She has deeply affected me, helped me to grow stronger and more solid in my convictions.  She holds my heart and breathes my ideals.  She feeds my passion, supports my endeavors and rocks my world.

These culprits compete for my attention.  I would love to spend these days dazzled by my love, and relishing in the memories of our budding romance that is still so strong today...but we are here now.  At this place in time.  And shit got serious.  We are a family now.  We share a house.  We share a life.  We are ready to have children.

We need this election.

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