Second Wedding

We got married again! Kayla and I recently went to San Francisco and Napa and we got married while we were there! In light of the marriage bans being lifted across the country, we thought it would be a good idea to tie the knot legally. By the time Texas is legally recognizing all marriages, we will already be set! In the meantime, we have federal benefits and will be able to file our taxes jointly. This is a huge deal for us as a couple. Fingers are crossed that the bans will be lifted in our state before we decide to expand our family. If that happens it would mean that the mother who doesn't carry the child will be listed on the birth certificate. If our marriage is not locally recognized by the time that happens, we will have to go through an adoption process for second parent adoption. 

Our vacation was lovely. We spent one day in San Francisco. We stayed in The Red Victorian in Haight Ashbury, where we stayed during our first vacation together six years ago. We revisited all of our favorite thrift shops and ate delicious food. 10 minutes before our cab was to pick us up, we jetted into a vintage shop next to the Red Vic and bought a new hat for me to wear for the ceremony. Kayla found a tie and a pocket square and in moments our outfits had transformed into something magical. Then we went to City Hall and got married. It was all very orderly and official seeming. We waited in lines to get our certificate squared away and then to meet our officiant. We were the first couple to get married at 3pm, our appointment time. In the meantime we chatted with our photographer and his girlfriend and had a photo shoot in between appointments. It was cool because we have been through the ceremony business before. I swore I wouldn't cry. Kayla teared up when the officiant said that we would comfort one another in times of hardship. When I get overly emotional I cry or laugh nervously, so when she cried I laughed. Then we both laughed. The photographer captured the moment where we were both laughing through tears. When Kayla tried to slip my ring (back on) my finger it was difficult because my hands were swollen. We had just taken our rings off and swiftly dropped them in Kayla's pocket before we held hands for the ceremony. We laughed again. We did our thing, got shooed away for the next 3pm couple, and posed for more photos (making out and marathoning in heels from side to side and top to bottom of City Hall). It was perfect. 

After a Whole Foods snack run we drove to Napa and spent the next few days lolling around the small town, eating food and tasting wine. We did manage to drive to one winery for a tour, and we saw Ani Difranco at the adorable Uptown Theater for Kayla's 31 birthday present. Napa, in a word, was delicious. Everything I ate melted in my mouth. If you haven't noticed already our vacations are largely centered around food. We had coffee in bed, snacks on the deck, sunned in the hammock and soaked in the tub every day. 

 

Now that we are back home I thought I would update the blog with some happy news and share some of the teaser photos that we have gotten back from our (second) wedding. 

Life after Cancer

Gosh, it's been a while. The call to update my blog has been gnawing at me for a while. It's been 6 months! To be fair I have three unfinished drafts saved that I will probably never post. At first my excuse was that I was adjusting to being finished with chemo, attempting to live life again. Too busy! But I was committed to my blog before cancer. I don't know. I just know that today it had to happen. I had to write. I'm going through something that I always knew would freak my shit if it ever happened. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to look at a strange area on what is left of my natural breast (the skin) My plastic surgeon found it in yesterday's appointment. And today I have committed the shameful torturous act of Internet research. I am rendered frazzled and frantic, having conversations with myself and everyone around me, in a desperate attempt to calm my nerves. I couldn't manage to make my grocery list and I walked around in circles for 15 minutes, trying to decide if I should take off my pants or get into bed fully clothed to write this blog. 

That's today.

If you are reading this, you might be curious about the happenings during my 6 month blog absence.  I will summarize. I started running after I lost my first reconstruction. It made me feel like a champion. I even wrote an inspirational blog post, reveling in my body's ability to heal itself, which I never published. I started dancing on Sundays. We went on an amazing vacation to Kauai. I ran on the beach! I interviewed plastic surgeons from San Antonio to Round Rock, chose one and made a huge decision about reconstruction. I cancelled my surgery. I rescheduled it. I started reconstruction over again. I sadly had to quit running to heal from surgery. That may have thrown me into a depression. I turned 35. On the Eve of my birthday I realized I had a little PTSD, something I arrogantly swore that I would never experience because I would deal with it all as it comes, staring down my demons one by one. Ha! I had my last herceptin infusion. I got my port taken out. I have been making plans with my wife to get married legally in California! (More on that later...yay!). I had another surgery (recon phase 2, take 2). My hair isn't growing back like I thought it would. I've lost most of my eyebrows and eyelashes after treatment was over and they haven't grown back in. I feel like I look like baby or an old man. I learned that these are things that may never be the same.

 And now I'm in the midst of my first "scare" after diagnosis/treatment. It is strange to have this feeling again; mind buzzing, humming anxiety. This insatiable hunger for cake and pizza against all rules of acute nervousness (I never lost my appetite for food, even during chemo...this girl likes to chow.) In short,this blog post is a way of controlling my meltdown. It's tough to admit that a year and a half after my diagnosis I am experiencing the same paralyzing fear that I did when I found that fateful lump. I wanted to move beyond fear. In the throes of chemotherapy I had this sense of having the strength to endure anything after what I was going through, because it was so hard. But sitting here thinking about my upcoming ultrasound, I am struck by the relativity of these situations. It's all fucking scary. It never gets easier.  Surgeries, hair loss, permanent bodily changes, friends with recurrences, fears of  recurrence..THIS IS life "after cancer." Like my survivor sister told me this afternoon..."I feel sad for you because you're realizing now that this is never over or behind us." She said this to me after I said the same thing to Kayla over breakfast in so many words.  All the while we have been waiting for it to come to a close of some kind. 

I'm starving.