Simple Gratitude

To pit it simply, I am feeling supported, carried and loved. This week has felt different than the other last weeks of treatment. It's the last chemo, so there is the excitement surrounding the end of what has been the most difficult 3 months of my life. There is also the anxiety surrounding the end of chemo and diving into the unknown. Some of my side effects have gotten a little unnerving. My fingernails are separating from my nail beds. It's unsettling, but pretty common, and it will probably get worse but then it will get better. I am missing my work. Where there have been moments around the halfway mark of chemo that I questioned my ability to withstand anymore of it, I am certain now that I can do this. Mentally, I am already skipping a little ahead. I'm starting to practice gobs of visualization. I visualize a healthy body. I visualize my muscles becoming strong again. I visualize a body without pain, that I can move, lift weights. I visualize myself running. A body with no limitations. A cancer free and thriving body. visualize myself doing things as simple as smiling and laughing, my hair grown into a nice pixie cut, my boobs are soft and squishy again. I visualize a life with my wife of joy and laughter and community. I visualize the wealth and wisdom that I will acquire and I visualize giving/serving...financially and spiritually.

In that powerful visualization I have found the strength to take two long walks this week. At one point yesterday my body was ready to give out. Kayla and Linda wanted to go home and get the car and come back to get me but I refused. I made a joke "I just have to keep swimming." That that came out of my mouth at the moment that I was hobbling along stiff legged with snot running down my face cracked me up. We all giggled uncontrollably. I was able to make it home and I felt accomplished. Then last night I felt sick but the serotonin I had worked up from that walk had me giggling all evening. That felt amazing. But today I'm feeling it. I pushed myself and it was good, but it cost me my ability to work this morning. I felt hung over! I'm in this teetering in between two worlds of where I reside in my health realistically at the moment and where I believe myself to be headed.

My friends are organizing a fundraising event for me post chemo, pre reconstruction surgery. I am touched to the core that they are putting so much effort into this. Humbled. My coworkers donated a days earnings to me back at the beginning of chemo. One of them is going to assist me on a busy day next week, so that all my clients will be taken care of despite my current limitations. I was introduced to a new yoga instructor via a new dear friend of mine gifting me with a private session. This turned into a new beautiful situation where I am receiving healing by somatic counseling on a regular basis. I have received healing sands, candles, bracelets, sage, cards, books, food, scarves. There is so much love infused into all of these things. I can sit with them and feel the warmth of the well wishes. These are the things that keep me going. I have these insanely supportive and loving people in my life and I didn't even ask for them.

Like I said, I feel supported and carried and loved. Gratitude!