Morning, garden.

The last week has been so full in that we began to take some tangible steps to fulfill our dream of family, yet the stress of the details are such that many nights are tearful and many days are so rigged with anxiety that the regular stuff seems to elude me. I got in my car to run errands the other day and realized only as I was backing out of my driveway that I had not put in my contacts. Thankfully I had packed my glasses, in the event that my eyes got too itchy from allergies and I would need to remove said contacts. Heh. But yeah, I should back up. We have been dreaming of starting a family, or better yet expanding from dog and cat children to actual human children, for years. Many factors make now seem like the appropriate time, the most pressing being my biological clock. This little detail is hard to ignore, and tends to put the pressure on the already difficult decisions that we are trying to make during this season of our marriage. I will say that with the tears, the anxiety, and mountains of challenge that we are treading each day, comes a sense of comfort knowing that my person is trucking along side of me. In one week we have experienced the gamut of emotion. We have even processed surprise guests like uncertainty and fear, doubts and challenges to our values that seemed to come out of left field. At the end of the day it is always the same question. Do we envision ourselves with a child, or with children? Are we willing to take this step believing in our abilities to parent a healthy, happy, thriving little person? The answer to those questions is yes. Many of the other answers still bounce around unanswered. I suppose there will be unknowns every step of the way. Historically, it is this precise sort of coasting on the tides of unanswered questions that make me the most uncomfortable. But for some reason I am handling it very well. Is it possible that I am shedding unhealthy processes and adopting a Zen like approach to problem solving? I think the main difference that I am noticing in myself now is my ability to stay present. There is a here and now and it is so delicious in its ripeness. Every morning I take a little stroll around the back yard to see how everyone is doing. Today I took photos of our green friends, and some of the things that Kayla has built or is building that make me happy and proud.